I just wanted you to love me. I don’t know why it had to be like this.

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It’s been a minute since I’ve written anything on here. Blogging has never really been my forte due to the fact that I don’t believe I’m a strong writer. It’s also due to the fact that I also believe no one will care for what I have to say.

Do you ever just take a step back and review who you are as a person? Your flaws, your characteristics, your personality, just who you are as an overall human being? Lately I’ve been arguing with the two most important people in my life; my mother and my girlfriend(?) on basically a daily basis. Because of things that have happened to me growing up I tend to play the victim, for very good reason. If you knew what I went through growing up you would understand why. We won’t get into all that right now. But what’s funny is I was always told to stand up for myself by the one person who always felt the need to push me down. So when I am in certain situations not only do I play the victim, I also fight to stand up for myself and what I believe in. That has never really gotten me far, but it’s all I know how to do. It’s what I have been taught to do since I was a child. I just want people to listen to me. To really, genuinely HEAR me. But I feel like no one does. I feel very lost and alone, and like no one will ever really understand who I am and why I am the way I am. On top of playing the victim and stubbornly standing up for myself, I also have the tendency to push people away because I like to self sabotage. And I always have been this way. I always feel like everyone is against me and only sets out to hurt me and cause me pain. Having such low self esteem, it’s hard to believe that people actually care for me. How could they when I am constantly told I am selfish, lazy, arrogant, mean, a bitch. At first I think how could I possibly be those things. But then when I am called them more frequently I start to question that maybe I am those things. Maybe I am selfish, lazy, arrogant, mean, and selfish. So I try to be the opposite. I do things for people, I try to be more productive throughout the day, I try to really hear what others have to say and take it to heart. But it isn’t working. I’m still called those things. So then I ask myself why even bother trying to be better? Why even bother doing things for people, trying to explain myself in a mature and respectful manner? Why even bother getting out of bed? People don’t care to notice when I do attempt to make positive changes, so why even try? You get to a point where you feel all your hard work is overlooked and you’re still seen as a shitty person. Fighting with one, or two people everyday becomes immensely exhausting. I don’t sleep anymore. I barely eat. It’s worse than when I was drinking. At least then I was sleeping and eating. I’m starting to consider packing up and moving away, just to start new. I have family and friends that live in other states. I doubt anyone here would notice that I was gone, and if they did they’d probably be happy that such a problematic girl is gone. The two people I constantly argue with have done so much for me, and I am eternally grateful and appreciative, even though they don’t ever seem to think I am. I seem like such an issue to them. They’re both fed up with me and that breaks my heart because I am really trying to make up for the pain I have caused. But it isn’t enough, and I don’t have much left in me to give. Suicide is always a thought in my mind. But I’ve always been told suicide is one of the most selfish things you could do. And I am sick of being called selfish. But I also feel people would benefit from me being gone. Would they be sad? Of course they would. But they would eventually move on and realize they don’t have to deal with me anymore. They won’t have someone so selfish, mean, arrogant, lazy, and bitchy in their lives anymore. They can live freely and not worry how things will affect me, whether I’ll drink after a big fight, or overdose on pills. All that room that I took up will be free for more positive things and people. But I don’t know if I am brave enough to follow through with something like that.

I’m at a point where I’m done fighting. I just want to be heard, and I don’t know if I ever will be. I’m lost and I don’t know what to do anymore.

Until next time✌🏻